Saying No to One Thing Means Saying Yes to Another

As we Minnesotans watch an April snowstorm blanket the landscape with eight new inches of “pretty stuff”, it’s hard to accept “no” from Mother Nature when we yearn for Spring RIGHT NOW.  We desperately want warm sun on our faces, robins and daffodils, not boots, gloves, and snow shovels!

Isn’t it interesting to note how as adults, we have experiences that thwart our desires, just the way our kids do?  Last night, my son texted me an interesting thought to ponder.  “When we say no to something, we’re saying yes to something else.”  Then he typed, in his adorably thought-provoking way, “Opposition.”

When our children are oppositional, they are saying “no” to one thing, such as “brush your teeth”, “get off the computer”, “time for bed”, or “finish your homework.” What’s the thing they are saying “yes” to at that moment?  Of course, you might answer, more freedom to play video games, more freedom to stay up late, more freedom to watch a movie instead of finish homework.  But there’s more to it than that.

When children oppose their parents, they’re also saying “yes” to their own sense of who they are.  As young as 12 months, they’re wired to start opposing their parents’ requests because they are exercising their newfound will.  Is this a disrespectful aspect to all children?  Some may argue yes.  But it’s really more helpful and less conflict producing to see it as a natural developmental phase.  As adults, this is our job and we even benefit from celebrating that our kids with big wills are on the right path. We do better to support their will, rather than try to fight it.

So, you might say to me, “How do we get the bath taken in time for bed, when all they want to do is play?”  The answer lies in recognizing the emerging will as a vital part of the child’s growth as a person.  Acknowledging how much they want to continue to watch their favorite show, play their favorite video game, or finish up their art project, will go a long way toward gaining cooperation.  Say, “You’re really into this game, I can see! I notice that you’re gaining a lot of new skills by playing it. Finish this one game and I’ll meet you in your room, ready for bed in 10 minutes.”

This approach acknowledges the child’s will to play the game and also encourages, rather than forces, the letting go.  (We all know how well it turns out when we try to force a child to do something.)

Here are the 5 steps:
1. Establish a routine bedtime with your children’s input during a family meeting.
2. Tell your child exactly how you will let him or her know it’s bedtime.  Have him sit in front of the computer and rehearse this aspect.  Place your hand on his back if he can tolerate it, and say in a respectful tone, “See what time it is? I’ll meet you in your room in 10 minutes.”  That’s all.  He knows when bedtime is.
3.  Just wait respectfully for him to comply.  If it takes longer than you thought, rehearse again tomorrow, but don’t lecture now.
4. Give heartfelt appreciation for coming when he does.  Even if it’s a few minutes late, you want to let him know he’s been successful in coming to the room.  Reward what you want, and you will see more of it.
5. Have a peaceful, appreciative end to the day.

If you need coaching help with these steps, or any other parenting challenge, click here.

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That’s NOT FAIR!!!

You’ve heard your kids claim this “truth” a million times.  How do you get them to stop throwing fairness up as their inalienable right?  It’s annoying, it feels like pressure for you as a parent, and you have no idea how to deal with it.

Here are five tips for dealing with kids who feel life is unfair:

1. This may seem a little harsh, but tell the kids, “We don’t do fair.”  It’s not a realistic expectation to think that life for every child will be equal and fair, so why hold it up as a family value?
2. Listen deeply to the feelings underlying the claim of unfairness.  “I imagine you are saying that because you feel your brother gets more attention than you do.  Is that right?”  Being comfortable with the tough feeling a child is expressing tends to neutralize it.
3. Remind the child that each person in the family is having his or her needs met to the best of your ability.  We all have clothes, food, a roof over our heads, enough rules, hot water for baths, and lots of love.
4. Comparing “who gets what is a dead-end” conversation.  Let the kids know that their legitimate need for material things will be met, and so will their siblings’, and it won’t always be the same or at the same time.  Give examples of when the oldest got a bike first because the younger ones weren’t big enough to ride yet; the musically interested one got piano lessons, while the hockey player got skates and ice time; the dancer got ballet lessons and the one who loved Karate had lessons, too.  It wasn’t the same (which kids sometimes think is “fair.”)
5. Show your kids how adults don’t live in the world of fairness, either. Every time mom buys a new pair of jeans, dad doesn’t run out and get something of equal value.  You both know you’ll be able to get the clothes you need, but not at the same time, and not necessarily items that cost the same.

Part of this exercise is releasing your own thinking that everything in your child’s world should be fair. It’s an easy trap to fall into when you have more than one child.  But it’s also fairly easy to correct.  Just say, “We don’t do fair, but we do provide for and love each of you.”

If you’d like more information about parent coaching on this or any child-rearing topic, click here for all the details. 

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Should I Let My Child Quit Something She Started?

Parents often believe that if a child starts an activity, she should see it through, no matter what.  This can be anything from ballet to baseball, soccer to gymnastics, piano to chess.  Sometimes the child has begged to participate.  Sometimes the parents have decided it would be good for her to join in, and have signed her up.  They invest money, time, and effort into getting the child to the activity.  They get to know the coaches and teachers, and they become familiar with the other parents.  They encourage the child, giving feedback on her performance.  Their emotional investment grows, along with their commitment, and as a result, the desire for the child to stay involved expands.

Ann and Pete’s daughter Brielle is a second grader.  She loves to dance, swim, and play soccer.  Her brother Andre is a hockey player and skier, and both kids take piano lessons.  Ann and Pete are concerned because Brielle has been acting out lately, not able to fall asleep at night, and flying off the handle at the slightest provocation.  She may just be saying, “This is too much!”

Some considerations are:
1. Does Brielle love each of her activities? Is being in all them just to much?
2. Does she get the down time she needs for a healthy childhood?
3. Does Brielle get enough sleep to be rational during the day? (There’s no substitute for adequate sleep, which is 10-11 hours per day.)
4. Are her parents more invested in her activities than she is?
5. Does she seem more like herself when there’s less going on?

It’s so easy to feel that since kids are young, they can be involved in something every waking minute.  That’s just not true.  They MUST have down time in order for their brains to process all they are learning and experiencing.

The wonderful thing about children is that they will let you know if they are overwhelmed.  They usually can’t say it in words directly, but if you get good at reading their signals, they will definitely be there.  Some signals are: crankiness, opposition, fatigue, arguing, hair-trigger sensitivity, and even physical aggression.

You know your child better than anyone.  If you are seeing a normally sweet kid with the signs listed here, it’s time to take the reins and reduce the demands on her.  It’s the only answer to this issue, and if you think you can just try for a while to see how it goes, you may be prolonging the pain for yourself and your child.

Children should dabble in life’s opportunities.  They are immature, so they don’t know what will “grab” them and cause them to want to stay.  They SHOULD run experiments with a variety of activities, but if too much stress results, or they’re just not interested, they need to stop.  If parents are overly invested in their children’s accomplishments in the arts or sports, it’s time to take a hard look at how it affects the child’s life.  Please remember that a second grader is only 7 years old, and she does not need to experience her whole life right now.  She’ll have plenty of time later to pick up the piano if she so desires.  Let’s take the pressure off so her childhood can be what it’s meant to be, a combination of academics, play, and outside activities.

Some kids do best with just school and play.  If you have a child like this, let it be, and don’t feel guilty for not “maximizing” her experiences.  She is perfect the way she is, and pushing increasing activity can be more harmful than enhancing to her life.  Children who are overwhelmed are telling us something … “This is too much for me!” We need to listen for the sake of their health and respond by letting them quit without fear that they’ll be quitters.  Your positive attitude can go a long way toward her becoming involved down the road.  Relax and enjoy the times you don’t need to leave the house and can just spend time together.

For parent coaching on this or any other topic, please write jnylander@anufs.org or tina@parentingmojo.com, or feel free to call 651-453-0123 to set up an appointment.  For all the info on parent coaching, visit www.parentingmojo.com/parent-coaching.

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How to Parent Well When You Have Your Own Emotional ”Stuff”

Parents often wonder if they can actually be good for their kids when they are carrying emotional baggage from their own childhoods.  They think, “How do I parent this child well when I have my own emotional stuff?” It’s a legitimate question, and I’d like to answer it from the perspective of having coached a powerful man who conquered a hard upbringing to connect, and connect well, with his grandson.

Adam was raised in a situation where his own parents didn’t take care of him, and he needed to live with other adults.  The understandable resentment for this was a part of the ongoing landscape of his emotional world.  And (who knows how this happens?) during his first marriage he became the step-grandpa to a now-12-year-old boy, fully responsible for him after the tragic and untimely death of his wife.  When I met this fabulous grandpa, he was remarried to an absolute saint, Gretchen, who had never had children.  Together, they were raising a boy who has two living parents, neither of whom took responsibility for him.  Anyone who knows kids understands that this is an extremely difficult situation for a child … having two ambivalently attached parents causes mountains of questions.  Why don’t they live with me and care for me?  What did I do wrong to cause them to reject me?  Why don’t they make it better when it seems as if they could? Why do they keep messing up?  And it also results in (again, understandable) acting out that would try even the most patient adult.  Yelling, screaming, pounding, refusing, swearing, leaving the house … you name it.  Adam and his beloved Gretchen  fielded all of this from Graydon with Herculean grace (and yes, some rough arguments).

Adam repeatedly came to me with his own questions about how to make life better at home.  And as he did this, he listened intently, even at times struggling with his own deep emotions, wanting to control the boy so he didn’t remind him so much of himself.  But the boy would not be controlled by the typical, “Do as I say” approach.  This led to a lot of conflict.

As our time together progressed, I watched as Adam learned to put his own emotions on the shelf, not always, but often effectively enough to build a strong bond between himself and Graydon.  He set limits, which was often painful for both Adam and his grandson.  He created and held healthy boundaries between Graydon and his non-custodial dad and mom.  He spoke of respect, instilled values, and stayed the course.  He skied with Graydon, threw the ball with him, and asked him about his homework.  He limited video game use and access to the phone.  He encouraged friendships and facilitated outings and sleep-overs with his middle school buddies.  He took Graydon on trips to see unexplored parts of the country.  He sat in the stands at his basketball and baseball games, and taught him about teamwork.  When he heard the coach compliment Graydon, he was sure to let him know.  He accompanied his grandson to therapy appointments to help him feel safe to talk about his feelings.  On my advice, he even wrote notes to Graydon, expressing the positive things that were sometimes hard to say between “guys”, but were huge in their impact.  He spent special time with him every evening before bed, connecting with Graydon on an emotional level, even if they’d had a bad day.  All this, with his own wounded childhood, his own feelings of rejection and anger, lurking in the background.  For his grandson’s sake, he dug deep regularly, and simply put Graydon first.

I found myself in awe, wondering where he got the inner strength to parent this often rebellious, oppositional child with such love. We hear about children’s resilience in the literature, but who ever talks about grandparents’ resilience?  Who makes a big deal of someone like Adam who wrestled with his demons regularly and emerged the hero for Graydon, teaching him by example that he could be better the next time?

It’s an honor to share this story.  I write it as I prepare to attend Adam’s utterly untimely memorial service.  Yesterday he died at age 57 with much love left to give.  Adam inspired me, and I will forever feel blessed, having known him at his finest, even in the hardest moments. Graydon got the message of love from Adam, not perfectly, not every minute, but he got it.  And that’s what it takes for a child to grow up emotionally healthy – one truly caring adult who, through his love, frees you up to do, and be, your best.

Parent coaching info is available at www.parentingmojo.com/parent-coaching.

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Holiday Gifts Raising Havoc?

Are the gifts your kids received for the holidays creating havoc in your home?

Are you at a loss as to how to handle this sticky situation?

Let’s say your child received a new PS-3 or Xbox from well-intended but misguided grandparents. Your child is spending way too much time on it. It’s time for a sit-down to repair damaged family relationships and restore harmony in the home.

Here’s what to say:
“I’m the parent and it’s my job to make sure your growing up time is balanced with fun, family, and contributions to our lives. I need to check on the balance now and then. When I checked today, I saw that you’re spending a lot of time on the PS-3, and less time with us. I also notice that your mood is lower and you’re more cranky when you play the games. So we need to make an adjustment. I want to hear your ideas for how to resolve this issue.”

Allow time for the child to think. He or she may become defensive, saying, “It’s my game and I can play it whenever I want to! Grandma gave it to me!” or “I’m not cranky! You’re the one who gets cranky when I play!”

Don’t defend your point here. Just stay with the agenda, which is to resolve the problem. Say, “I’m not interested in arguing about this. But I am interested in hearing your ideas for resolving it. Do you want to offer some right now, or do you need some time to think about it? Take your time. It’s important and I want you to have a chance to think. Maybe you could come up with a few options that we could discuss next time we talk about this.”

When you call the next thinking session, ask your child what he or she decided. Consider the options carefully, not hurrying, asking clarifying questions. If you can live with one of the ideas, say so and consider the issue resolved. If you need to negotiate, say, “I like number 3 because it’s well-thought-out. What would you say to including it with some of my ideas?” Offer your thoughts and decide together on a solution.

This type of collaboration is vital for making decisions that stick. It includes the child in the decision, avoiding the authoritarian “my way or the highway” approach. It models the type of collaboration you expect from your child. You are always teaching with your behavior, don’t forget.

If your child can’t come up with a solution, keep at it anyway. Offer three or four of your own ideas and ask him to rank order them. This keeps choice in the forefront, still including the child in the solution. Again, offer him time to think. The more you do this, the better the decisions will be.

Once a decision is made, post it prominently in the home where the child gets a frequent review. State it positively like this:

The Becker Family has decided together that 1 hour per week is the perfect amount of time for video games. I pledge to help our family stay strong by honoring the 1-hour limit.

Decide together what will happen if the limit is not being honored. You may evoke the parental right to turn the machine off, which is appropriate. Just be sure this is decided in advance, so there are no surprises. If you encounter resistance, don’t argue. Just do as you all decided, turn off the machine, and engage the child in something else. Your actions will speak loudly, and you won’t have to get engaged in a power struggle.

Peace to your homes in 2013! If you need help with this or any other parenting issue, call Jacy at 651-964-4750 or write tina@parentingmojo.com for an appointment.

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Response to the Elementary School Shooting

Tina’s client writes:

Hi Tina,

I can’t help but think of you after reading “I am Adam Lanza’s mother” an article written in response to the school shooting.  It’s available through Huffington Post if you haven’t read it.  I am writing to thank you, again, for your help with my daughter as I can totally relate to the mother writing the article.  I am grateful to not be living in that hell anymore.  I owe much of that to you and your work.  If we had stayed with traditional therapy, and not changed to your life affirming, parent empowering and child respecting philosophy and method, I might be living an even worse nightmare.  I can’t even think about the potential destruction to my daughter.  Your work is so important for so many.  I am forever grateful!  My daughter continues to do well.  She is in her 4th month of public high school and is doing well making friends, learning (the system), developing endurance, and showing herself that she can do anything she sets her mind to.  I am so proud of her!

Thank you so much!

Read I Am Adam Lanza’s Mother here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/16/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-mental-illness-conversation_n_2311009.html

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10 Ways to Help an Anxious Child at Holiday Time

Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed.

Copyright © Tina Feigal 2012

Holiday season is here, and if you have a child whose anxiety increases at this time of year, you’ll be happy to know that there are some great ways to decrease the uncomfortable feelings and the predictable explosions that often result.

Yes, kids explode when they get overwhelmed by their own anxiety.  It’s not conscious on their part, it’s not on purpose (though it sometimes seems like it) and it’s not disrespect.  All they’re doing when they have a loud response to your request is attempting to lower their own anxiety, best defined as “fear where there’s no real threat.”

What causes anxiety in kids at holiday time?  Several things:

-      Being too bright for their age: they can conceptualize things way beyond their ability to
comfort themselves, simply because they are young and lack experience.
-      Sensory input: they feel the impact of sound, taste, touch, smell, and/or sight much more intensely than average kids.  They are anxious because they never know when a toilet flushing or the smell of a new food might overwhelm them.   Holidays are particularly stimulating to the senses.
-      Interpersonal sensitivity:  they fear that someone they don’t know might be at Grandma’s house.  (In their own homes, this is often not so intense.)

“Christopher” is just this type of child.  He can do well at home where things are predictable, but in someone else’s home, he’s very wary of a stranger showing up.  How do we help children with these anxiety issues?

First, Christopher’s parents realized that having power over sensory sensations is the antidote to anxiety.  Give your child a specific job whenever you can.  He loves heavy sensory input, so they say, “Could you be the one who carries all these groceries into the house?”  And they’ll let him carry ALL the groceries.  Or they might say, “Everyone’s coming to our house, so could you be the one who makes sure that the light’s not too bright?” Authentic helping is a true self-esteem builder.

Second, underplay all the holiday hype.  Say to your sensitive child, “See all these decorations, bright colors, and signs for things? Hear how loud that TV ad for holiday stuff is?  That’s just the store trying to get our attention so we spend our money, but we don’t have to pay attention.  We can just walk by or turn off the TV.”

Third, a child such as Christopher needs a safe place to which he can retreat at a relative’s house.  A nearby bedroom is ideal.  Show him immediately upon arrival where he can go, and put some of his toys or art supplies in the room.

Fourth, do not demand that your “Christopher” greet unfamiliar people at holiday time.  The only reason he doesn’t do this is because of interpersonal sensitivity.  Forcing a greeting can add guilt to an already overwhelmed child, and is never a good idea.  Acting out is his only defense.  Offer positives to him whenever he does interact well with new people, but be assured this will not happen until he has been in their presence for quite a while.  Here’s how to say it: “When you talked to Uncle Rob so nicely when he offered to play ping pong with you, I was really impressed!  I can tell you had a great time.”

Fifth, Christopher’s mom answered all of his questions about what will occur during the holidays with short, but clear answers.  “How many people will be there?”  “I’d say about 15.”  And she also thanked him for letting her know what was on his mind: “I really appreciate your questions, Honey.  I want you to feel comfortable, so when I know what you’re wondering, it really helps.”

Sixth, if your children get into arguments with siblings or cousins, practice a good response in advance.  “May I have that when you’re done?” and “Can we play this together?” are great phrases to try out.  When Christopher came to his parents with news of what another child did to him, they said, “How will you handle that?”  Of course, if there’s aggression or bullying, you’ll need to intervene.

Seventh, before shopping, Christopher’s parents pointed out that “in our family” we don’t get everything we see in a store that we may want.  Mom and Dad even see things they want, but we don’t buy it all.  This helps kids see they are not alone in the “wanting and not getting” world, and facilitates their acceptance.

Eighth, if your child makes strides in development, be sure to write a note acknowledging the progress. “Dear Christopher, I noticed how well you accepted that you weren’t able to visit your friend because we had plans to be with family.  I am so proud of you.”  This dramatically increases the likelihood that he’ll show more mature behavior in the future.

Ninth, when Christopher’s parents saw him progress, they then saw some regression in behavior.  Please don’t consider this a failure, but a natural return to an earlier stage to “gather steam” for the next advance.  This is how children evolve, three steps forward, one back.  A good-natured response is always the best one.

Tenth, just like number one above, give your Christopher a real job!  If company’s coming, you’ll want them to decide on the music, set the table, vacuum the living room, make phone calls for you, decide where the coats will go and put them there.  Having a job takes the focus off anxious feelings and builds self-esteem.  It also affords you the opportunity to share the load and deliver some really heartfelt appreciation … everyone wins!

Take time to really enjoy your children this holiday season.  Unlike what they “got”, the memories of how they felt at the holidays will stay with them for a lifetime.  You can make these memories powerfully positive with a little forethought, attunement to your anxious child’s needs, and implementation of the 10 tips above.

Happy Holidays to all!

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Tina on Blogtalkradio’s Army Wife Network Show

Click here to listen to Tina’s interview with Army Wife hosts Tara and Star on Blogtalkradio.

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Let’s Talk About Snakes

By Tina Feigal   Copyright © 2012

The approach of Halloween got me thinking about snakes.  They are such powerful creatures in the lives of adults and children alike.  They look dangerous or innocent, according to the observer’s perspective.  But for most people, danger is the default feeling when we see a snake.

I’m using snakes here to explain why parents and other adults often see the negative in their children, and have a hard time seeing the positive.  Primitive men and women (and in some cultures, contemporary people, too) often saw someone on the path in front of them dramatically felled by a snake bite.  This programmed their minds to look vigilantly toward the ground, purely as a survival tactic.  Our brain stems held on to this information, and strongly encouraged us to look down, down, down.  People wanted so badly to survive that they stayed focused on the ground.

Today, though, we don’t have such intense survival threats.  But our brains forgot to adjust to the lowered threat, and our minds still head south to the perceived danger.  Intense child behavior can be interpreted as a danger, as well, so parents keep their eyes on the negative, to assure their emotional survival when dealing with their children.  They think: ”If I stay focused on it, maybe it won’t hurt me as it has in the past.”  Perfectly understandable.

But when we keep focused on the negative (often long after the danger has passed) we run the risk of infusing negative messages into the child’s heart.  Those messages run strong neural pathways to the brain with the thought: “I’m not a good kid.  I can’t do the right thing.” The more the brain receives these messages, the stronger the neural pathways become, and the more the negative behavior is reinforced.

So how do we break out of the “looking down” habit?  How do adults forget about the snakes and start looking at the sky instead?  It’s not easy for some.  The danger associated with negative behavior has felt so strong and the need to protect oneself is compelling.  But I am proposing that everyone, even those who have been beaten up by negative behavior, figuratively or literally, start to consider looking at the sky.

Because a child is not a snake.  A child can change his or her urge to attack in a way that a snake cannot.  If you start to see the positive in your child’s behavior, attitudes, and words, you will quickly see that your actions influence him or her for the better. Say, “When you treat your brother so nicely, I feel such peace, because it shows me how kind you can be to others.” You’ll notice that the attacks are not nearly as frequent or severe.  The words start to soften.  The attitude improves.  The snake, the danger, simply decreases in its power.  And by seeing the good in your child, even a little, you have started to cause this change.

Look at your child’s sky, and see the potential for bright sunlight there.  Watch the snakes go, and the sky start to glow.

For parent coaching to help you see the sky, click here.

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Register for Parenting Coach Training

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